Vanity is Bliss

It’s been forever, I know, but I just don’t seem to be having time. 

As much as I'd constantly been reminding me that my blog was garnering cobwebs, I never got around to it.

These last 2 months have been insane. Not entirely on the work front as most people might obviously assume, but on the socializing front. *so productive* right?

Then there came along a slack point. 

As all relationships and excessive good times carry along in the background. 

It’s a blind spot.  

Things slow down, interactions become less, and there’s a silent eeriness in the group no one is willing to disturb.

Having hype around is soul-heartening. 

Restlessness I cannot handle. I must either be in drama, or creating one. Not having either by my side makes me want to curl up into myself and explode into a wall. 

Exaggerating much? Maybe. 

Either it’s for one thing, or another, I MUST be out, allowing myself to be pulled into the addictive entertainment outside of my work life.

There are times when I feel so lost though. I don’t know where I 

belong. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be the way I am. I go into inept debates with my brain and come to temporary conclusion that I should just shut up and stay oblivious to my surroundings.

It doesn’t happen.

I start to question whether or not I belong to the cliques I’m with. I question my standpoint towards situations. My wind whirls and tumbles into a dark hole and I scrunch up hating the world for making me feel this way.

I try to un-plug the little nagging notes of contemplation away and imagine myself on the beach.

Alone. No worries. Just me and my peace-filled thoughts. What fun is there in that again?

I’m turning bi-polar.

I need to sit back and relax. Be happy with what I have and not worry about irrelevant editions of stupidity that I cannot revolutionize.

I am above all – is what I should I think to make myself feel better about the non-responsive of the current state of affairs.

Yes, I think I'll do that.

Vanity is bliss.

Kids

Kids. [Preferably referred to in my dictionary till the age of 3], after that they’re just attention-seekers that make me want to jump off a cliff.

Watching someone bring in these adorable creatures makes anyone wonder how they could get enough of them. They penguin walk to and fro with their eyes too big for their face and talk in the cutest voices ever with the most endearing answers makes you sick.

Holding them up, walking them around, making them laugh is the only appreciation another person needs around these 2 foot beings, ...yet kids are tough.

They don’t ask for much, but sometimes they not asking for much is too much.

They need the pen that I’m writing with, I don’t hand it over.

Scream.

Scream.

Scream.

I look like a child hater.

I’m watching something important on the laptop and they come and sit in my spot. I ask her to get up.

No.

I try to physically put her down.

She yells.

I get mad I want to flip that chair over with her sitting on it.

Am I sounding like a child abuser because I’m not.

These kids are adorable when they’ve had their fill, which means of food, milk, pulling things off the rack and crying around for a bit.

I’m not at home the whole day but when I come back to all of this, it’s….slightly grating.

Just slightly.

I used to react before since kids cry like their entire hair has been ripped out so I really felt guilty for doing what ever wrong I supposedly sub-consciously might have committed .

Now, my expression doesn’t go beyond a flat look.

I stare. They yell.

….

…

…

They stop.

I still stare.

Kid's know when to cry and when not to. They sense weakness in the other person and crush and twist a person's patience till they are dead prey.

The next minute...

It’s become a normal thing now. I can’t imagine how mothers go through this.

I know my mom had to deal with boundless exasperating situations. She talks about it to this day – partly because I haven’t really stopped aggravating her yet.

#Respect to all those mothers out there with young kids.

They are a pain. I can’t deal with them, but something tells me that by the end of this month – I think I will have grown into a more understanding human being.

Either way, whatever they do is out of guiltless trials. You look at them being absorbed with as much as a spoon and can’t help but aww at them.

When they look up and give the sudden gust of laughter, it makes you laugh. Kid’s happiness is contagious.

You lay out your hand and they will hold it. 

They’re just kids.

Neutrality

Back to blogging feels good. I’ve been missing something although I’ve been occupied since my coming home.

This voice at the back of my mind – in a low rumbling tone keeps reminding me like a low bass gong at least twice during the day that a blog of mine has started to form cobwebs.

What I’ve realized about myself is that I tend to react a little too quickly. [I’ve realized it a long time ago but decided to acknowledge it now]

I am the executer in the discussion and if I’m mad, you better stay out of my way.

I wish I could hold in that anger and not feel guilty about it, but no.  

I am quick to anger and quick to tranquil. The gap in between sets my head whirling into endless conversation possibilities that I should say further to make my point lucid.

I’m a rational person [or so I think]. I try to think of misunderstandings as small issues but when it’s about me, everything is a big deal. I’m perfect. [*shrugs*] #deuces.

Ever since my return, my infuriations have not ceased to a more mature approach.

I realize I shouldn’t have said things.

I get over MOST of the juvenile situations that aggravate me, within a day. The subsequent 24 hrs becomes my thinking period and I feel bad, [close to regret] about what I said the previous day.

Could have been a little harsh. [no, duh]

What distresses me is that sometimes people accommodate my bi-polarity.

Them being amiable kills me.

I’ve apologized to the people I might have tormented over silly topics and my new self-declaration is to now keep calm under hostile situations and wait for a day to pass.

Yet if my fury doesn’t subside, then it definitely is something serious.

[I am making the effort in case you think I’m being obstinate and supercilious]

My new motto: Neutrality for 24 hours. 

Hey 2013!

Happy New Year guys!

Thirst

Thirst

Night times are the worst. It’s the hour of danger, and in my case, it’s the hour of thirst.

I drink water before I go to bed, although it’s recommended that we don’t.  

I keep a full glass of water on my table and fall asleep but sometime during the night, I awaken – to thirst.

The dryness constricts my throat and my impulse forces me to jerk up and stretch over to the glass.

I sleep.

....

I wake up once more for another gulp that I know will end the contents of the glass.

I sleep again....

.....

....

..... only to be awakened.

I know the glass is empty.

I must now take off the blanket that I am ever so protected beneath and expose myself to the chill beyond my room.

I feel like a zombie now, not able to see what is before me I bump slightly into the wall on the way out.  Heading into the kitchen I don’t turn on the light as the pain to turn it off will haunt me in the seconds I’m there.

I fill my glass assuming the water reached the rim and walk out carefully. 

On the way in, I bump into the wall again.

I can’t comprehend what ever feeling of hurt I might have undergone because my brain is dead and my eyes refuse to stay apart.

Slamming the glass down, I fall onto my bed allowing myself to be entangled within the sheets to a not so perfect sleep.

You Have Been Banished.

Talking about my vacation is probably not a good idea.  Why? When I have to explain something so vast, I’d have to make sure I won’t miss out on any details and it’s such an enormous thing to write about. 

If I did miss something, it would be incomplete and I’m paranoid that everything requires an explanation or the essence of that event is not justified.  Hence, I will not be writing about my vacation [which I am currently still on and enjoying].

Realization. 

Sometimes good, sometimes bad.  8 years does a lot to a person. It changes them for the better and sometimes it changes them for the worse.  

What was I thinking when I thought people would be as ecstatic as me? Was my assumption of them throwing everything aside to meet me a little over the top?  

I know a lot of people and a lot of people did I wish to visit.  Only some stayed true to their feelings and the others decided to not let me know either way.  

That hurt me. 

When you said you’d do something and then go off the grid, it leaves me confused if not frustrated.  Why would you say something like that and then decide to not communicate later? 

When I came here, I was happy. 

Happy that maybe people have grown up and changed, but no.  People have grown meaner.  I had to erase some of them when I came here and although it was painful, I realized that you shouldn’t treat someone like a celebrity. 

Some of us are on very different levels.

I higher than them. Vanity? No. just the facts of life laid across in front of me.

What can I do? 

Nothing.

Accept it, never look back and move on.  My real friends told me to not worry about it.  I am grateful for the remaining friends I have here who always genuinely looked forward to meeting me. 

Why did I think I needed to be associated with everyone else? I don’t know.

I am here right now, with the people who want to be with me. I am with people where our feelings our mutual.

My advice? Do not run around people who you have to constantly remind about your presence.

I can’t wait to meet the rest of my friends, and I mean my real friends.

As for you, you have now been banished from my life.

The Walk

A cartoony making his way across the sidewalk and back.  Nothing more to it. Why did I want to do it?  I don't know.

There are times when I want to do the weirdest of the weirdest things, I get too fascinated with something and doing it becomes my temporary life goal. 

Therefore, this video.  

Enjoy