Vanity is Bliss

It’s been forever, I know, but I just don’t seem to be having time. 

As much as I'd constantly been reminding me that my blog was garnering cobwebs, I never got around to it.

These last 2 months have been insane. Not entirely on the work front as most people might obviously assume, but on the socializing front. *so productive* right?

Then there came along a slack point. 

As all relationships and excessive good times carry along in the background. 

It’s a blind spot.  

Things slow down, interactions become less, and there’s a silent eeriness in the group no one is willing to disturb.

Having hype around is soul-heartening. 

Restlessness I cannot handle. I must either be in drama, or creating one. Not having either by my side makes me want to curl up into myself and explode into a wall. 

Exaggerating much? Maybe. 

Either it’s for one thing, or another, I MUST be out, allowing myself to be pulled into the addictive entertainment outside of my work life.

There are times when I feel so lost though. I don’t know where I 

belong. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be the way I am. I go into inept debates with my brain and come to temporary conclusion that I should just shut up and stay oblivious to my surroundings.

It doesn’t happen.

I start to question whether or not I belong to the cliques I’m with. I question my standpoint towards situations. My wind whirls and tumbles into a dark hole and I scrunch up hating the world for making me feel this way.

I try to un-plug the little nagging notes of contemplation away and imagine myself on the beach.

Alone. No worries. Just me and my peace-filled thoughts. What fun is there in that again?

I’m turning bi-polar.

I need to sit back and relax. Be happy with what I have and not worry about irrelevant editions of stupidity that I cannot revolutionize.

I am above all – is what I should I think to make myself feel better about the non-responsive of the current state of affairs.

Yes, I think I'll do that.

Vanity is bliss.

Kids

Kids. [Preferably referred to in my dictionary till the age of 3], after that they’re just attention-seekers that make me want to jump off a cliff.

Watching someone bring in these adorable creatures makes anyone wonder how they could get enough of them. They penguin walk to and fro with their eyes too big for their face and talk in the cutest voices ever with the most endearing answers makes you sick.

Holding them up, walking them around, making them laugh is the only appreciation another person needs around these 2 foot beings, ...yet kids are tough.

They don’t ask for much, but sometimes they not asking for much is too much.

They need the pen that I’m writing with, I don’t hand it over.

Scream.

Scream.

Scream.

I look like a child hater.

I’m watching something important on the laptop and they come and sit in my spot. I ask her to get up.

No.

I try to physically put her down.

She yells.

I get mad I want to flip that chair over with her sitting on it.

Am I sounding like a child abuser because I’m not.

These kids are adorable when they’ve had their fill, which means of food, milk, pulling things off the rack and crying around for a bit.

I’m not at home the whole day but when I come back to all of this, it’s….slightly grating.

Just slightly.

I used to react before since kids cry like their entire hair has been ripped out so I really felt guilty for doing what ever wrong I supposedly sub-consciously might have committed .

Now, my expression doesn’t go beyond a flat look.

I stare. They yell.

….

…

…

They stop.

I still stare.

Kid's know when to cry and when not to. They sense weakness in the other person and crush and twist a person's patience till they are dead prey.

The next minute...

It’s become a normal thing now. I can’t imagine how mothers go through this.

I know my mom had to deal with boundless exasperating situations. She talks about it to this day – partly because I haven’t really stopped aggravating her yet.

#Respect to all those mothers out there with young kids.

They are a pain. I can’t deal with them, but something tells me that by the end of this month – I think I will have grown into a more understanding human being.

Either way, whatever they do is out of guiltless trials. You look at them being absorbed with as much as a spoon and can’t help but aww at them.

When they look up and give the sudden gust of laughter, it makes you laugh. Kid’s happiness is contagious.

You lay out your hand and they will hold it. 

They’re just kids.

Neutrality

Back to blogging feels good. I’ve been missing something although I’ve been occupied since my coming home.

This voice at the back of my mind – in a low rumbling tone keeps reminding me like a low bass gong at least twice during the day that a blog of mine has started to form cobwebs.

What I’ve realized about myself is that I tend to react a little too quickly. [I’ve realized it a long time ago but decided to acknowledge it now]

I am the executer in the discussion and if I’m mad, you better stay out of my way.

I wish I could hold in that anger and not feel guilty about it, but no.  

I am quick to anger and quick to tranquil. The gap in between sets my head whirling into endless conversation possibilities that I should say further to make my point lucid.

I’m a rational person [or so I think]. I try to think of misunderstandings as small issues but when it’s about me, everything is a big deal. I’m perfect. [*shrugs*] #deuces.

Ever since my return, my infuriations have not ceased to a more mature approach.

I realize I shouldn’t have said things.

I get over MOST of the juvenile situations that aggravate me, within a day. The subsequent 24 hrs becomes my thinking period and I feel bad, [close to regret] about what I said the previous day.

Could have been a little harsh. [no, duh]

What distresses me is that sometimes people accommodate my bi-polarity.

Them being amiable kills me.

I’ve apologized to the people I might have tormented over silly topics and my new self-declaration is to now keep calm under hostile situations and wait for a day to pass.

Yet if my fury doesn’t subside, then it definitely is something serious.

[I am making the effort in case you think I’m being obstinate and supercilious]

My new motto: Neutrality for 24 hours. 

Hey 2013!

Happy New Year guys!

Thirst

Thirst

Night times are the worst. It’s the hour of danger, and in my case, it’s the hour of thirst.

I drink water before I go to bed, although it’s recommended that we don’t.  

I keep a full glass of water on my table and fall asleep but sometime during the night, I awaken – to thirst.

The dryness constricts my throat and my impulse forces me to jerk up and stretch over to the glass.

I sleep.

....

I wake up once more for another gulp that I know will end the contents of the glass.

I sleep again....

.....

....

..... only to be awakened.

I know the glass is empty.

I must now take off the blanket that I am ever so protected beneath and expose myself to the chill beyond my room.

I feel like a zombie now, not able to see what is before me I bump slightly into the wall on the way out.  Heading into the kitchen I don’t turn on the light as the pain to turn it off will haunt me in the seconds I’m there.

I fill my glass assuming the water reached the rim and walk out carefully. 

On the way in, I bump into the wall again.

I can’t comprehend what ever feeling of hurt I might have undergone because my brain is dead and my eyes refuse to stay apart.

Slamming the glass down, I fall onto my bed allowing myself to be entangled within the sheets to a not so perfect sleep.

You Have Been Banished.

Talking about my vacation is probably not a good idea.  Why? When I have to explain something so vast, I’d have to make sure I won’t miss out on any details and it’s such an enormous thing to write about. 

If I did miss something, it would be incomplete and I’m paranoid that everything requires an explanation or the essence of that event is not justified.  Hence, I will not be writing about my vacation [which I am currently still on and enjoying].

Realization. 

Sometimes good, sometimes bad.  8 years does a lot to a person. It changes them for the better and sometimes it changes them for the worse.  

What was I thinking when I thought people would be as ecstatic as me? Was my assumption of them throwing everything aside to meet me a little over the top?  

I know a lot of people and a lot of people did I wish to visit.  Only some stayed true to their feelings and the others decided to not let me know either way.  

That hurt me. 

When you said you’d do something and then go off the grid, it leaves me confused if not frustrated.  Why would you say something like that and then decide to not communicate later? 

When I came here, I was happy. 

Happy that maybe people have grown up and changed, but no.  People have grown meaner.  I had to erase some of them when I came here and although it was painful, I realized that you shouldn’t treat someone like a celebrity. 

Some of us are on very different levels.

I higher than them. Vanity? No. just the facts of life laid across in front of me.

What can I do? 

Nothing.

Accept it, never look back and move on.  My real friends told me to not worry about it.  I am grateful for the remaining friends I have here who always genuinely looked forward to meeting me. 

Why did I think I needed to be associated with everyone else? I don’t know.

I am here right now, with the people who want to be with me. I am with people where our feelings our mutual.

My advice? Do not run around people who you have to constantly remind about your presence.

I can’t wait to meet the rest of my friends, and I mean my real friends.

As for you, you have now been banished from my life.

The Walk

A cartoony making his way across the sidewalk and back.  Nothing more to it. Why did I want to do it?  I don't know.

There are times when I want to do the weirdest of the weirdest things, I get too fascinated with something and doing it becomes my temporary life goal. 

Therefore, this video.  

Enjoy

Another Stupid Encounter

There are times when guys act so insensitive that I start to question all of guy-kind’s mentality.  Although I’ve addressed many situations with a duller than a dead corpse response, today's incident was just insensitive, so pathetic that to address it would bring me down to lowest level of foolishness.

I’m on Facebook, just like the other millions of people, minding my own business (and watching others since it’s so publicly out there).  Maybe my mind wasn’t in the right place when I added him but I did add “ Person X” just because the mutual friends were quite high. 

  And so I forgot about him like I do to a lot of people I don’t generally know more than by mere recognition of face.

A conversation sparks off like this :

Person X: Hey hottie

Me : I’m sorry, I don’t really know you [which is kind of weird since I did end up adding him]

Person X: You don’t know me???? Everyone knows me.

Me: I don’t.

Person X: That’s okay; you’re a mutual friend of Person Y

Me: Yea so? Do I know you personally? [I at this point realized I knew him but decided to not give in since I really wanted him to bring his precious ego down]

Person X: Does that matter?

[Desperateness now creeps in]

Me: Yes it does. Were you in my school?

Person X: I was called SPT. [Initials changed]

Me: Oh, so you are 5 years senior to me, I remember now that I saw you once or twice in school

Person X: Exactly. So how are your friends? How is Person Z, are you in touch with her?

[At this point, I wanted to take out a saw and butcher his neck.  Forget asking how I was, but rather jumped into how my friends were.  If that was what he wanted to know, Facebook has invented something called a “search box” that allows its users to search for people and directly message them.  How his brain hasn’t evolved is not a matter of shock to me but yet it pleased me to know that I had thought right about him]

Me: <No reply>

Person X : >.<

Me: <No reply>

Person X: ok fine, bye.

Me: <No reply>

30 seconds later ….

Person X: You look really different [An attempt to revive the conversation]

Me:  (:

THE END

Don’t let guys like that have the info they want.  It’s an insult to your intelligence.  Flick them away like you’d snap your fingers.

A Visit Back To The Old World

Hello everyone!  My apologies for a very late post.  I've just been very busy with the packing and the travel which has now led me, after a day’s flight, in Canada! 

It's been a week since I came, and yes, the thought should have crept into my head, that my blog does exist to be updated, but my excitement of coming back in 8 years prevented me to do anything but give out occasional screams - a reaction to the reality I’m in now.

Etihad Airways was kind, if not a little cramped.  I ended up watching movies the whole time- a catch up.  The food was alright, although I did expect more than just plain butter on my bread. Jam was not up to my expectation.  

I was thinking more on the lines of macaroni and cheese.

Abu Dhabi was our stop-over. Clicked a picture of this architectural refinement here. If only all buildings were made as such.  Walking through the airports brought back the times of when I walked the same to another outlandish country that I never dreamt of living in.  It was always a thought thrown here or there amidst the conversation the grown-ups used to  have, but life settled in, and now I walk back.  Nostalgia, maybe. 

Back again on Etihad Airways to make my way to Toronto - the unfinished story of a 6th grader.  To meet friends who were always with me, and just to meet others to see how the rest of Chester was doing was what I longed to see the most.  

Progression, how much has it overcome them, how far have they trodden, and how far have I come? What had happened since I left?  So many miniscule yet significant things I needed to know to bring closure. 

 Containing it became difficult as the plane landed at the Toronto airport,  My then-escape from 6th grade’s mean remarks and utterly low, but considered high expectations.  Back to continue where I left off? No.  

Coldness.  The first thing I could feel and think of.  I forgot how cold this place used to be, yet again we forget so much in such short amount of time, this was nothing.  

Walking out of that terminal and out to meet my dad who was waiting, we went home. 

I am excited for what Canada has to give back to me, and what I have to give back to her.

Day #7374

My creative juices have become immobile. I don’t know why.

 In the past I had this urge to blog about everything that offended me on my way to work, at work, college and on the way back home.

 I guess I’ve become lax.

 I seem to not take things personally. Maybe I’m losing my connection with the real world, something like being absorbed in the future I always look forward to by neglecting the present. 

How is that possible when I’m living in the contemporary?

 Going through the twinge of seeing absurdness every day and not being able to throw everybody over the railing is putting me on the brink.

 I’m drifting away.  Not giving into the addictive web of prejudicial-interest that everyone around me seems to enjoy.

I’m tired, yet I write, knowing that somehow this might be the only productive piece I can think of in who knows how long again.

I want a cookie. Chocolate. If I could think that and someone brought me one sensing my telepathic needs, I’d grin, on the inside of course.

Don’t want to give out how surprised I look when they realize I don‘t know how to use my own powers.

It rains. Has been for the last week or so, making the days dis-heartening.  I step out, stare at the sky that gives it’s puffy grey smile, I come to that conclusion where somehow the white parts are the sky’s gums. Blue’s brother, grey.

*Sigh*

Mother Nature, control your kids.

I wait for my hot coffee, to stop the headache I’ve been having since I came home, I doze off instead on my cold bed, trying to look up and think about vital issues of the world.

 Nothing seems more relevant than to just close my eyes and dive into the world of the un-real.

Oh, and I did watch Alice in Wonderland yesterday.

Idiocy

 Before I start off with my views and thoughts about the whole world, I'd like to (for the first time) mention someone very special here. The Anon Blogger - the name she goes by with, has been one of my most faithful followers. She has always read my posts and has been very supportive. She writes amazing stuff and if you check out the earlier posts, they have bonus content too! My personal fav being Time Stops, Aliens Invade is one that you guys should definitely see. So don't forget to check it out!


Now back to me.

 Idiocy. A thing that lies in people, and I mean every one of them. It’s just a matter of time and, nature of a situation that the imprudent character strikes. 

All logic failing to bring it back on track.

 That moment when the brain stops listening to reason.  

 Rationality is overlooked and the person standing opposite to you most likely will undergo feelings of exasperation. 

A person, who you think can make out a leaf from grass, cannot make out the difference between the ridiculous and the habitual. 

 Such an over-powering characteristic embedded in us. Why shouldn’t our lucidity prevail first before we overthink a moment? Despite all the thought, the most senseless decisions are taken being backed by the pitiful excuses.

“Why couldn’t you have said no when he asked you to move? That was your spot.”

 “Umm, well, I guess he really liked that spot”. 

A slap I could give echoes over the mountains. 

Of course, it’s all being played in my head – the only stage for my kind of dramatic acts. I don’t have a choice but to endure all this. A responsibility that comes when you are bonded to someone in some way. 

Idiocy, a trait that is extremely intolerable, clearly more perceptible in others than some, but when it comes to us, it is in no way invalid.

To Put it Simply.

I am so bored.

What if I could fly? I wouldn't be bored, ever.

I hate cockroaches. They scare me.

And I'm bored again.

My Cold & A Rubber-band

Normally I tend to wake up around 730 am, go down, have my tea, take a bath, breakfast and then work. Today morning was supposed to be the same, but because of my cold it wasn’t. I get colds at the slightest change in weather. Bad immunity? Maybe. So I have been suffering endlessly since yesterday. I came home, fever starting to brew in me. Mum gave me a high dose pill and I slept like a log.

It was all fine, but when I got up, still feeling like the pill was working itself, it was 820.

 My head hurt. I ran downstairs to have my morning tea and asked mum why she couldn’t wake me up earlier. She wanted me to take rest. Mum’s. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling all that great even after the pill. Like the world was spinning in front of me, I still decided to get ready for work (cause I love what I do).

Managing the day wouldn’t be a big deal, but my parents thought otherwise.

I come down, and my sister (who has a holiday for an exam tomorrow) told me not to go, trying to make me believe that I was so un-well I could faint any second. Not taking much notice to her dramatic statement, I went into the kitchen. Mum was making lunch for me and at the same time was telling me not to go to work. What is it with everyone? I am fine. I’ll manage it. All the while, during the process of my lunch-making she was telling me to call in sick.

 NO mom, you made lunch for me. I have to go for that atleast.

 I was asking for a rubber band to tie this newspaper; in the background of all the endless denials towards me. My need was subjugated. Then my sister goes up to my dad and tells him I’m not feeling well. 

Dad, being extremely cautious would not stand for a second if my health hindered, let it be a cold, or even the slightest paper cut. 

"Don’t go". Simple. The same words I’ve been hearing for the last 20 minutes.

I have a deadline at work.

 I still needed the rubber band to tie the newspaper around my lunch box (because it would leak otherwise and I keep forgetting to buy Tupperware). Now slightly increasing the pitch I asked for it.

Dad tells me to keep my voice down or I’ll lose energy. Everyone’s talking at once about how I can miss one day of work and how the entire company isn’t only running on profits because of me.

My rubber band.

 Go find it, it’s somewhere in the back.

 Fed up, I left them to their talking and mutual agreement against me. Could not find it. My sister starts her act again and for the last time I ask for the rubber band. Everyone now has finished complaining how I don’t look after my health and in my face decide for me I should stay at home and take rest. (Although that led me to this).

 I slammed by box down on the table. It’s been decided. I’m not going anywhere.

 So much for the rubber band now.