The Smell That Traveled Across The World.

In the bus. Staring out the window with my head against the glass, aimlessly looking at the moving people and vehicles definitely made my eye-lids slowly droop.  The sun falling on my face only made me more lazier. People yelling, people climbing onto the bus, the bus jolting-didn't make a difference to me. My head started to hurt since it was tilted to one side. I slowly adjusted my-self, ending up being in the same position as before. The bus started to turn and I opened my eyes to this very spring-like smell. I know this smell. 9 years ago when I went for a field-trip, holding hands walking in two's. We were going to a park. The same smell. Nostalgia engulfed me till I opened my eyes and smiled and looked around. I'm not there though. I'm here.  Among the honking of cars and traffic jams. Among the road's of India. Thousand's of miles away from that field trip. The bus turned onto a bridge and the smell no longer existed. With my smile still dancing upon my lips, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the breeze once again.

Greed.

The more I get,the more I want. The more I take the more I need. It doesn't stop. I know it isn't right. I know it isn't how I should be, but I still am.  The selfishness inside me still burns. The greed inside me won't die down. I dream of the day when I won't have to think about all of this. I dream of the day when I can tame the devil in me, but right now, I need it. I need what I want. The blackness inside me dances till I fear. Fear of not getting what I want. I know, my way of thinking might seem a little over the top. Might seem like I'm wanting too much, but I can't help it. Maybe I'm not mature enough to understand,  maybe I don't want to understand. Either way, God grant me the will to withhold my un-necessary desires and the patience to await my future.

the dark.

the dark. many people refer to this word. but its got just as many meanings to it as the number of people referring to it. for me the dark is a place where i'm me. no one can see me . no one can see what I'm doing. i feel safe. it's for me. I've got space. i;m in a place knowing that no ones watching me. i can think in peace. the dark for me means that i get to be alone. its not something i'm afraid of, nor do i want to. the darkness is a reminder to me that not everything is visible to you. sometimes you need to search for things that even though is in front of you, you need to look for .the dark around me is a test. to see if i can find myself in it. its a place for me to calm myself. to allow myself to take in whats around me by not just how things look, but how it feels.it allows me to think with my mind, not with my eyes. the darkness is equality personified. it blackens everything around us so that even the most beautiful things in the world are nothing but plain darkness. . every one can find their way in the light, but can you still survive in the dark?  people say that light is a sign of freedom. of happiness, of the end of a journey through the dark times. but would light have been rejoiced so much if their was no darkness? to understand the day, you need the night. to understand good, you need bad , and to understand light, you need darkness.

Don't You Hate It?

 don't you hate it  when you've done something so well, and you know that you've put in all your effort and that just doesn't seem enough?

the constant nagging of "your not good enough", "keep working", etc rings in your ears all the time and  its like no matter how much you try, people don't seem to appreciate what you've done.

your trying to bring out the good and they don't see any of that.

its like everything you do has a flaw. its like you endless well of flaws and no matter how much you've changed, its just not enough.

your never making them happy.

your never upto their standards.

its devastating.

 you want them to know your doing well, and that your trying and that your pushing yourself as far as you'l go. you want them to acknowledge your efforts.

you want them to know that your sincere in what your doing.

you want them to give you a break.

you want them to get off your freaking back and let you live the way you want.

you want to go away, but you cant.

your stuck.

your forced to live the way you are and be the victim, your never perfect and you never will be.

to be perfect you'd need to break away, need to break away to show them. but you cant.

don't you hate it when your like this?